


Long Road Ahead

by Nikky_the_writer



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2019-09-12 13:49:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16874034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikky_the_writer/pseuds/Nikky_the_writer
Summary: Summary: Reader and Ivar have been married for a couple of years. They love each other deeply, but the hard choices will be made. After everything that happens will Ivar be able to forgive the woman he loves? - AUWarning: smut, nsfw, cursing





	1. Chapter 1

_Soft touch on your neck woke you up from sleep. Before you had time to open your eyes you moaned as he sucked the spot just below your ear. ˝Ivar…˝_

_˝Something wrong?˝ He asked teasingly not moving his lips from your skin._

_˝What time is it?˝ You could barely talk. A few days ago you cached a cold, your throat was sore. In all those days you were trying to stay away from Ivar not wanting for him to get sick, but you couldn’t do anything to keep him away from you. You knew that today it will be especially hard for you to do that because it was your first year anniversary.  A year ago you two got married after years of knowing each other. You loved Ivar he was the only guy for whom you ever fall. Some people couldn’t see it because of Ivar’s personality. He was closed person and usually annoyed with everyone, but never with you._

_˝It’s not important.˝ Ivar whispered kissing your earlobe and moving his hand over your stomach._

_˝Please, Ivar….Just a few more days. I don’t want you to get sick,˝ you turned your head to look him in the eyes. Reaching with your hand towards his face he gently grabbed it and kissed your every finger._

_˝I won’t.˝ He smiled at you and you almost gave in._

_˝No, I’m really sorry.˝_

_He let out a groan lying back on his back. ˝Alright. So, no kissing then….˝ He smiled deviously and before you could understand what he thought with that he hovered over you slowly moving down your body._

_˝Ivar…˝ You gasped when he pulled the sheets down from your body. It was a little bit cold in the room and you were only wearing shorts and his shirt._

_˝I hear you Y/N…..˝ He chuckled. ˝Don’t need to beg. I feel generous today. ˝ He smiled placing a kiss on the skin of your inner thigh._

_˝If you get sick. I will kill you.˝ You prompt yourself on your elbows just in time to see him smirking._

_˝It will be worth it.˝ With one swift move, he pulled your shorts down revealing your naked body to his lust filled eyes. He pulled your shirt higher to touch your breasts as he laid between your legs. His smile grew wider every time he heard your whimpers. He absolutely loved it. He barely touched you and you were already so sensitive. He kissed your lower abdomen inhaling your scent. He closed his eyes for a moment._

_You reached with your hand towards him to place your fingers on his soft hair._

_˝You alright?˝ You asked after he didn’t move._

_He nodded against your skin leaving kisses on his way between your legs._

_Gripping his long brown strands you lost yourself in pleasure that he was giving you._

* * *

_You placed your hands on Ivar’s shoulders while his head was pressed against your chest in the bathtub. He lazily traced patterns on your knee as he breathed steadily._

_˝Will this last?˝ Ivar asked suddenly bringing you back from your thoughts._

_˝I hope so because if not I wasted an amazing dress.˝  You giggled kissing the top of his head._

_Ivar placed his hands over yours intertwining your fingers the best he could. ˝I’m serious. I know that we are married and that we love each other, but some marriages don’t last.˝_

_Honestly, you were getting pissed because of the thing he was saying just a week after your first anniversary._

_˝Ivar, why are you saying that?˝_

_˝Because I hear them talking. Just yesterday, even my brothers are surprised you are still with me.˝ He released your hands nervously rubbing his legs. ˝I just….what if one day you decide that I’m not enough or if you start wanting all those things we discussed?˝_

_˝People are blind. In this relationship, you are the one that keeps my head above the water and not the other way around no matter how much I try. I love you.˝ You tighten your hands around him letting him know that you are not going to let him go._

_˝My dad told me that love won’t last.˝ He swallowed the lump in his through. ˝I’m just afraid that one day you will leave because of me.˝ He turned his head to look you in the eyes._

_˝Your dad told you that just because he lost someone he loved after cheating. You and I, we are not like him Ivar. This marriage will work as long as we want it to work. I promise you that I’ll never leave, alright?˝ Placing your palm on his cheek you slowly leaned in closing the space between you._

_After you parted Ivar smiled. ˝I love you.˝_

_˝Forever.˝ You whispered before kissing him again._

* * *

**Six years later**

In the past few months, you barely slept. Your mind wouldn’t give you a break for even a decent hour of sleep. Nothing and the result of that were you looking like a zombie. But not sleeping was better than falling asleep when something bad happens just as it did today.

You closed your eyes for approximately four hours. It wasn’t much, but it helped you to function during the day. Your sleep would be longer if somebody didn’t wake you.

˝Wake up…. mom…˝ Please of your son woke you up instantly. Opening your eyes you saw fear in his.

˝Baby, what’s going on.˝

˝He is not breathing!˝ He cried out running out of your room. You quickly followed his little feet into the room he shared with his older brother Jamie.  You grabbed your phone on your way dialing the ambulance.

˝Ian…˝ The boy looked from you to his brother as you handed him the phone. ˝Say everything I taught you.˝

You let him talk on the phone while you were checking for your son’s pulse. ˝Tell them to hurry.˝

This wasn’t anything new to you. It became your usual night waking up for you son. Jamie was sick from the day he was born and before. Before he was born you already knew that he will probably never walk on his own and you were determined to be there for him for every step he takes. His legs weren’t the only medical issue. He had several more it all began when he was rotated wrongly when you were giving birth to him. Doctors noticed too late and his oxygen was cut short. He was lucky enough to survive without any brain damage. Now, he was only five years old and he went through multiple surgeries some for his legs to help him walk without breaking easily and some for his heart.

* * *

You were lying on the hospital bed next to Jamie while your other son Ian was lying on his other side holding your hand in his.

˝He is safe now.˝ Ian said, his voice was just a little louder than the beeping in the room.

˝I know, honey.˝ You were failing at not crying in front of him, but he didn’t say anything. He was only four years old, but he understood what was happening.

˝Mommy, will he ever be alright?˝

˝I hope so. There is a long road ahead of him, but we will both be there for him.˝

You didn’t sleep that night watching over your boys. Ian was asleep while Jamie still hasn’t waked up since he was brought to the hospital.

˝You should go home, to rest.˝ The nurse said after walking in. She checked your son’s vitals before turning back to you. ˝Do you want me to call someone for you?˝ Her voice was low so that she wouldn’t wake them.

You shake your head before saying: ˝No, it’s just us.˝ You smiled sadly.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_You would be lying if you said that you didn’t expect to hear complaining from Ivar because for certain things that could never be avoided, especially if it was about his brothers. Although you had to admit that it took him longer to do so as you were already in the car. He had many opportunities to do it; he could’ve done it while helping you with your dark blue dress, but was probably too distracted with his fingers on your skin. He could’ve done it while you were tying his tie, but was just staring at you and smiling._

_“Do we really have to go?” Ivar asked looking at the side of your face while his palm was gently placed on your thigh._

_A small smile appeared on your face and you glanced at him before bringing your eyes back to the wet road. It was snowing slowly so you decided to arrive earlier to avoid the storm. “Why are you asking me that? You were the one who told me that we are going.”_

_“I had to say that we’ll come,” he grumpily answered. His eyes still didn’t leave your face and no matter how annoyed he was he couldn’t stop his lips to curve into a smile. Before you left the house he told you that you looked beautiful so many times that you had to threaten him that you won’t cuddle with him tonight if he tells you that again, you both knew that you were joking, but he wouldn’t risk it. Although nobody would say, he was the cuddly type and even before you started dating you would cuddle with him during movie nights and there was a reason for that as he never really felt loved and he needed someone to hold him to calm his mind that he wasn’t alone._

_“Why? If you didn’t want to go you could’ve said no,” you said stopping at the red light._

_“Well, it wasn’t like I could send him a letter and say no, he was standing in front of me,” he admitted as not only one brother but all of them were present then._

_“And?” you questioned while reaching to his face. You moved your fingers from his short stubble to his cheek._

_“What do you mean and’?” he questioned as if he was angry but it didn’t stop him from moving his palm to lie onto your hand._

_“You hate each other, you could’ve said no,” you said again, but you know that deep down he did want to be there. Your eyes flickered to the light and as it changed to yellow you were ready to pull your hand back but he stopped you. “I need my hand.”_

_“Well, I need something in return,” he shrugged not letting go of your hand as the car behind you honked._

_You rolled your eyes at him knowing what he wanted so you moved your other hand to the other side of his face before leaning closer. Your lips touched for only a few seconds but it was enough for him to release your hand. As you were an inch from him you whispered quietly:  “You are an idiot.”_

_“How are you this heartless, first you tell me I should’ve said no and it’s his wedding day today and then you call your husband an idiot?” he questions after his hand safely moved back onto your thigh._

_“I am the heartless one? Wait a second why are you than the one saying that you don’t want to go since we left the house, minutes ago, Ivar?”_

_“I remembered how much I hate him,” he responded before leaning his head back to meet the material of his seat. His hair moved slightly out of place as it was only pushed back still too short to be tied._

_“He is your brother,” you said while slowing down the car at another interception before turning left._

_“And you are my wife, so why aren’t you taking my side?”_

_“Because you are being stupid,” you simply responded not even glancing his way as you were well aware of the look on his face that settled after you spoke; his lips slightly apart and eyebrows slightly narrowed._

_“How can you say that to a man you love?” Ivar’s fingers moved slightly on your thigh creating a pattern and making you shiver at the gentleness of his touch and warmth it brought you._

_“I’ve never said that to Tom Hardy, what are you talking about?” you teased him knowing how he doesn’t like when you talk about other men, however he had no problem with it when it was about Hardy and that made it funnier to you so you  told him years ago that he had a man crush._

_“So you married me, but you like big, broad British guys? You would be closer to your dream if you had married Alfred.”_

_“How so, when from the three you are not just British?” you asked cheekily._

_“At least now we know why I married you,” he said moving in his seat closer to you. His lips were inches away from your ear_

_“Oh, is that so?”_

_“Yeah, my brain needed a contender,” he whispered before kissing just below your earlobe._

_“Your conclusion for us being married is not because we love each other but because we both have a dirty mind?” you questioned as you stopped at another red light._

_“That’s right,” he said before kissing the side of your jaw and tip of your nose as you turned your head to face him._

_“Well, you are not wrong,” you told him with your lips inch away from his. You kissed him but this time different than before and as your lips moved together you reached with your hand to the back of his neck softly tugging on the shorter strands. And you both got lost in yourself that you only parted after multiple cars honked behind yours.  
_

_____________________________________________________________  
_

“He should be fine now, right?” you questioned the doctor as you were standing in front of your son’s room where he was recovering.

“Fine as he can be, the problem was in the pacemaker, we replaced it and now he only has to keep it easy,” the doctor replied.

“Keep it easy?” your voice came out louder than before as what he told you caught you by surprise. “Are you joking with me right now? He can barely walk and he is five years old, what do you think that I make him run a marathon? You look at me as if this is my doing when in fact you fucked up,” you snapped at the doctor. Since you met this doctor for the first time six months ago as your son needed a pacemaker because of his Bradycardia, the doctor was treating you if you were nothing without any reason although even in a panic you were polite to him and to everyone. “You put a pacemaker in my son that should have helped him and only after it failed for the fourth fucking time you decided to check it, I told you so many times to check it but no in your eyes I’m too stupid to know anything because I am not a doctor.”

“Ms. Ragnarsson I need you to calm down,” he said with no remorse for anything you just said.

“You need me to calm down after you fucked up,” you looked him up and down then settled on his face. He was a young and arrogant doctor with his face freshly shaved and short blond hair styled on the top of his head.  “I know more about what is wrong with him than you, I’ve read every damn book, searched all the Internet, learned everything so that a man who only learned information to forget them after the exam tells me that it’s my fault. ”

“Listen, if he didn’t have Osteogenesis Imperfecta as well, it would be easier for us t-”

“To what, to learn how to correctly do your job?” you scoffed at him not believing that he actually said that. It was obvious to do that he just finished his residency not long ago.  “Do you not have a heart doctor? That boy is five years old and you are making it seem as it was his fault that he has a genetic disease.”

“Well, it’s not his, it’s his parents,” he said loud enough for other hospital staff hear it as well as other people walking in the hallway. One of the nurses the one who always checks your son watched the interaction not knowing how to help you, but before she could even interfere somebody else did.

“Are you sure in that boy?” a voice asked coming from behind you.

“Helga?” you questioned quietly as she stepped next to you. You weren’t aware that she was here, but she recognized you when she heard your voice and hearing what you said she could put pieces together.

“I would like to see you tell that to his father, he would break you like a twig,” Helga said staring at the man.

“I only said that genetic diseases could be controlled, I didn’t mean to offend anyone,” the doctor tried to defend himself as more people watched and he was seemed as heartless.

“Well you just did, you offended the man I raised and his son,” she said stepping closer to him not believing what he just said.

“Whatever you have to say doctor, I would advise you to keep it to yourself and just leave and please while my son is here I would like somebody else to check on him, someone who will actually care,” you spoke not giving time for Helga to say anything else to him as the doctor listened to you by just walking away.

“Is this why you left him?” Helga asked after finally turning towards you. She couldn’t even believe that after six years she was standing before you. She came to this hospital many times to visit one of her friends who had cancer and never has she seen you there.

“This has nothing to do with you Helga,” you answered quietly as it hurt you to be this close to her.

“But it does, I practically raised both of you, I watched you grow up, fall in love, get married and him being broken after you left him,” she accused you and you couldn’t fight the tears that were falling down.

“Helga, please just don’t tell him anything.”

“How can you ask that from me?” Helga stepped away from you deeply offended as she could never lie to him.

“Helga, you don’t understand,” you tried to continue but a lump formed in your throat.

“I don’t understand what? You are hiding that boy from his father!”

“He doesn’t want him,” you finally said while sniffling than repeating again not believing that it was the first time for you to actually say that to someone.

“What are you talking?”

“I know how his father reacted,” you admitted as Aslaug was one who told you.

“He is not his father,” Helga defended him as she could never see the boy she raised doing something like that; it just didn’t sound like him. She knew Ivar, she knew how much he loves you and she knew how much he still believed that you will come back. She was aware that he still didn’t admit to himself that you were gone for good and that you weren’t coming back although he had the divorce papers on his nightstand to remind him just that.

“I thought the same,” you whispered.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Helga pulled you into her arms hugging you tightly.

“I just wanted for my son to have a family that will make him feel loved and wanted, he wouldn’t have that if I had stayed,” you told her after she loosened the grip on you.

“Do you at least have someone who helps you?” she asked while wiping the tears from your cheeks.

“I’m not alone, Helga,” you told her before glancing to your son’s room ready to go back in.

“Stay safe and one day if you will want to, I would really like to meet him.”

“One day,” you whispered before parting your ways.

You walked inside the room looking at your two boys sleeping comfortably next to each other and you smiled, grateful for both of them.


	3. Chapter 3

_“Oh God, no, please, no, no, no. Please no, I can’t do this,” you cried in the bathroom. For days you were feeling sick and today you finally confirmed your suspicions. You were sitting on the cold tiles hugging your legs close to your chest as you tried to calm down. It wasn’t that you didn’t want it, it was because you couldn’t have them with Ivar, it was one of the things he told you could never happen. He was even planning to have the vasectomy to make sure it never happens, but it seemed that now it was too late although you both were careful. Although Ivar was good to you and treated you right just like you did him, you knew him very well and when he was dead set on something he would never change his mind, but you knew that at least you had to ask so you did just that a few hours later when you were getting ready for bed._

 

_“Do you want to have a baby?” you asked Ivar as you were sitting on the bed. Your back was against the headboard while Ivar was moving the covers to lie down, but he chose to sit as you spoke._

_“Why are you asking me that, love? You know that I want a baby but we said that we’ll first be married for at least three years,” he said taking your hand in his._

_“Yeah, I know that,” you said quietly before moving on the bed to sit next to him on your legs._

_“I would be happy for us to do it sooner, I know that’s been only two years, but I wo-” Ivar’s voice sounded a bit excited as he did want that sooner, but he was interrupted by you._

_“I’m not talking about adopting or anything else, I mean would you like to have your baby?”_

_“It would be my baby,” Ivar responded this time with slight harshness in his vice as it remembered him of when his brothers would talk that he will never have his baby as it was the best._

_“It wouldn’t, it wouldn’t have your eyes or y-”_

_“It would be my baby, maybe not genetically but it would be mine and I don’t know why from all the people would you be the one pointing it out!” Ivar let go of your hand and his head was lowered just staring at the opposite wall where the framed pictures were placed in order from where you were kids. There was so much space left for your years ahead and he could only hope for happy ones as he couldn’t give you one thing that he hoped won’t break you apart as he couldn’t lose you._

_“Because it wouldn’t be yours!” you almost but yelled at him as you got off the bed standing in front of him._

_“It just wouldn’t be created from my sperm,” he said sternly._

_“I wouldn’t give birth to it,” you whispered and tears were already rolling down your cheeks as you were remembered of earlier._

_“Is that what this is about, we agreed that we can try other things including adoption, it wasn’t the only option,” he asked finally lifting his chin to look at you. His face softened while he watched you and he reached for your hands taking both of them in his. You stepped closer and he moved your hands to his lips placing kisses on your knuckles._

_“So you don’t want your baby?” you asked quietly and at that moment his body went stiff and his lips hovered over your knuckle._

_Ivar looked up again at you without letting go of your hands. “Are you pregnant?” he asked almost completely sure in your answer. You both talked about the present subject many times and in details and this wasn’t like you._

_“It doesn’t matter,” you said wanting to pull your hands back but the grip on them only tightened, close to the point of them hurting._

_“It does so answer me,” his voice stayed calm but got a bit louder._

_“Let me go,” you said through your teeth._

_“Answer me!?”_

_“Fuck you, Ivar!” you yelled at him, but he didn’t let go._

_“Answer me the fucking question!”_

_“And why would I do that?!” you questioned back as you didn’t want to hear what you knew will be said._

_“You are pregnant…” he finally spoke out after a moment of silence letting your hands go._

_“It doesn’t concern you,” you said already walking towards the doors._

_“You will have an abortion,” he told you before your hand could even touch the doorknob._

_“Really?!” you questioned turning back to him only to find him already staring at you._

_“I can’t let that little monster to kill you,” he said calmly and it was too calm for you._

_“Little monster? I don’t even recognize the man I love right now! How can you talk like that when you know that if your mother did as your father said you wouldn’t be here now?!” your head was hurting as you screamed at him. You rubbed your hand over your forehead not even able to look at him anymore._

_“I almost killed her and I can’t lose you,” his admitted reaching for you to come closer but you only stepped back hugging yourself trying to find comfort as the one who was usually providing you with, was now taking it away._

_“But you are fine now.”_

_“Because I had you, I would be dead if I didn’t,” his hand was still outstretched for you._

_“You really don’t want to hold your newborn and see the same eyes that you have or t-”_

_“That would be irresponsible of me,” he told you._

_“Then be happy that it will never happen,” you told him and you could see how his body relaxed._

_“So you are not pregnant?” he asked as he needed a confirmation and with that desperation for one he missed to read between the lines as you could always give birth without him holding his baby after._

_“You know, you don’t even need vasectomy as it sometimes there is still a chance for it to happen, so we just won’t have sex anymore,” you said finally calming yourself as you wiped your tears. You already knew what will happen, you knew what you will have to do and you knew it since the moment you suspected that you were pregnant._

_“Just because you have a certain picture of us in your head you have no right to be mad with me as you knew everything before we even started dating,” his hand was finally lowered as he could see that you weren’t glad how the argument ended. He would give you the world if he could and it hurt him that he couldn’t give you a baby._

_“Yeah, you are right,” you said quietly before moving towards the bed. Ivar reached for you and the moment his fingers touched you, you spoke again: “No, just don’t touch me, please,” you said before taking your pillow and walking out of the room. It was the first time since you were together that you ended your fight like that and it was the first time since you moved in together for you to not sleep next to him.  
_

_______________________________________________________________  
_

It was a slow morning at the bookshop you worked and actually owned since the old man for whom you used to work for left it for you after he died. It was a nice shop slightly rustic, but it had many shelves filled with the newest titles and some old books. The walls were light blue and had old frame photographs of authors who passed away. In one corner were a few tables for adults and in the other, a small space for children and in the center was a counter where you were sitting. From where you were usually at the counter you could watch your boys as they played but they were mostly with you sitting behind the counter while they would read or you would read to them. There was only one employee actually he only worked when you needed him.

“ Are you hungry boys?” you asked as you finally placed both of them in your large chair where they together fit perfectly and couldn’t fall because of the armrests.

“I want a chocolate,” Ian murmured knowing that he already ate one after lunch.

“Oh, you want a chocolate?” you asked placing your hands on each armrest caging them both in place.

“Yes please,” Ian said quietly looking at you with his big eyes.

“Didn’t you have one after lunch?” you questioned him and you even glanced at Jamie who nodded as well as his brother.

“Yes, I still want more,” the boy said sweetly with his lips slightly pouting.

“Just today you will get one more, alright.”

“Thank you,” he happily said before making grabby hands for the chocolate bar you had in your bag.

“And you Jamie?” you asked him while opening the chocolate bar and giving it to Ian to grip on the covered part as it would melt on his fingers if it was completely bare.

“No, thank you,” Jamie said playing with a Rubik’s Cube.

“Would you like something else?” you asked him before taking the Cube to change the colors again.

“Water,” he said quietly as he got the Cube back from you.

“You should have told me if you were thirsty.”

“I am now,” he smiled at you and you moved your hands from the armrest to touch both boys cheeks.

“Alrig-” you were ready to bring Jamie water but you were interrupted by a voice you haven’t heard in years.

“So you left for this?”

“What are you doing here?” you asked the older man as you walked from behind the counter to move him away from the boys but you knew that he had seen them.

“Had to see it for myself,” he said scoffing at you as if you meant nothing.

“Don’t lie, Ragnar, just leave,” you gestured towards the doors but he ignored it.

“So it seems that you are a whore.”

“Should that bother me just because you think so?” you questioned him seeing that nothing has changed. He just looked a bit older and had a trimmed beard while his hair stayed a bit long. And the way he treated you was always the same as he was sure that you were turning Ivar against him, he couldn’t see that he had done it before Ivar was even born.

“Not me, your husband too,” he said trying to hurt you as it didn’t seem that you were sad or miserable. He found everything on you however, nothing on your sons as he never thought to search your maiden name.

“Ex-husband,” you corrected.

“Not what I heard so it does make you a whore, a cheater.”

You almost but laughed at his statement as if he was describing himself. “Now I can finally know how someone like you feels.”

“We are never going to be placed into the same basket,” he said standing a bit straighter as if remind you where you belong.

“Yeah, you are right; I would never want to kill my child,” you were talking loud enough for him to hear but not for your boys.

“He hates you.”

“I could live with that but seeing as you are here he doesn’t, and that kills you. In your eyes he is ready to forgive his cheating wife but not his dear father,” it hurt you to spoke those words about yourself as you would never do something like that however you made your husband believe that.

“I will get him to sign those papers and you and your bastards won’t get anything,” he threatened, but you didn’t care about anything he says as in the divorce papers was stated that you didn’t want anything from Ivar, you even wanted for him to keep the house you bought together.

“I don’t need anything and again that kills you.”

“You are miserable, admit it,” he asked hoping as you were always the one thing bothering him, someone who was a threat and made him aware of what he did to his son. You were the one who was always there for Ivar and you never walked out until one and final time and it bothered Ragnar as you always stayed and always wanted to make it easier for Ivar. He was jealous as you managed to make Ivar smile even when he was in pain.

“You are pathetic, and he will never forgive you because your motives are disgusting while I truly care about him.”

“So much that you got knocked up by another man and left?” he questioned you well aware that the boys couldn’t be Ivar’s at least one couldn’t.

“I think that that is still better than attempted murder as didn’t you actually tried to drown him when he was only two weeks old?” you spit back as never before could you confront him about that. You remember when Ivar told you, his parents weren’t even aware he knew but he heard them one time when they were arguing. He was only sixteen at the time and that night you learned how it feels to be scared of losing someone as that night he would be gone if you haven’t found him in time.

“I wanted to stop his pain, you will never know how does it feel to see your child in pain and because of you, he still is,” he spoke unaware of anything, not even Ivar’s parents knew what happened that night as nobody was home.

“I never wanted to hurt him.”

“But you did and if you care for him don’t ever walk into his life again as seeing you with a family will break him.”

“Don’t worry; I don’t have any intention in seeing him again,” you admitted as you could never forgive yourself for walking out from Ivar.


	4. Chapter 4

_It has been three weeks since you found out that you were pregnant. You already had one appointment and you said nothing to your husband. You were both on good terms now at least he thought so, still, he saw some subtle changes about you. And as to him, they seemed subtle they were deliberated as you needed for him to think that you are cheating him so that when you leave him he doesn’t suspect that you were actually pregnant. You were ready to leave him in one week you only had to go to your lawyer for the papers. You were aware that what you were doing was wrong but you couldn’t’ let your baby go through the same Ivar did, you couldn’t let them have a father who doesn’t want them. It hurt you to destroy his trust in you and to make him think that you would betray him, but you couldn’t have an abortion especially of the baby whose father you loved more than you loved yourself. You would do anything for Ivar even taking his child away from him so that their relationship doesn’t turn into the one Ivar had with his father. You were ready to when your kid grows up to tell him about their father and you were ready to put the blame on yourself.  
_

_You were ready to leave the moment you came home and as Ivar had a meeting you could leave before he comes back as you were too scared of talking to him as you knew that you would stay if you see his face one more time._

* * *

_“Are you sure that you want this?” Halfdan asked as his palm was laying on your divorce papers._

_“Yes,” you said trying not to make eye contact with your friend and lawyer. You knew that it wasn’t fair towards him to drag him in this and he won’t be able to tell Ivar anything._

_“Once you leave, it’s done,” he said reminding you of Ivar’s trust problems._

_“I know Halfdan.”_

_“And you are still going to do it?” he asked before pushing the papers towards you still not sure if he should just take them and throw them in the trash. He knew a lot of couples and he saw you and Ivar as the one the closest to perfection, he wouldn’t even think about it, it would be the first choice of the perfect couple._

_“I have to,” your fingers reluctantly came into the contact with the paper and you glanced towards Halfdan before placing them on your lap._

_“You don’t have to leave your husband.”_

_“You can’t imagine how much this is hurting me, I’m breaking apart so please don’t make it worse,” you said staring at the document not wanting to do it._

_“He is my friend,” Halfdan exhaled before leaning his back into the chair not ready to be an accomplice in your marriage’s end._

_“And he is my husband,” as you spoke out one tear fell onto the papers making ink dissolve, just one letter but it still hurt to even look at it as you knew that you didn’t want to do it._

_“But not for much longer.”_

_“I know,” you whispered._

_“What about the baby?” he questioned._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I have to know that if something happens that it will be cared for,” he said with a heavy heart but aware that something could happen._

_“He won’t be the one who will have to deal with it,” you said gripping the papers tightly and for a moment it felt as if you were talking about Ragnar and not your Ivar._

_“If I tried to guess, would I b-”_

_“You would be right,” you interrupted him as you knew one couple who would be perfect for your baby if something happens. It was a perfect choice as they lived in Norway and stayed in contact only with you and Halfdan._

_“Did they both sign the papers?”_

_“Yes, if anything happens, your brother and Astrid will take care of them. They know the risks,” you said rather calmly as if it wasn’t something that would mean you dying._

_“You are really going to do this?” he asked once again and before you answered you stood up._

_“I wish that I didn’t have to,” you said turning your back to him and walking towards the doors, but before opening, you turned towards him for the final time. “Thank you Halfdan.”  
_

______________________________________________________________  
_

_It was the third time in two weeks that he was sitting in the same office. Walls were vibrant and wherever he looked there were faces of happy children and it hurt him. He wished that he could give you a child the way you wanted but you had to accept just like he was trying that he will never make a baby, but it didn’t mean that he won’t have one and that was the reason why he was there sitting in the mall space with an older woman across from him._

_“Mr. Ragnarsson, you and your wife sound perfect and we have all the information we need, but you have to know that we still need to talk with both of you before the choosing process. “The woman reminded him because all three times only Ivar came as he still hasn’t told you anything._

_“Yes, I know, I just wanted to take care of everything until the last thing was done so that she doesn’t have to stress about it,” he admitted nervously not wanting for the woman to get a bad impression of either of you._

_“Well, it seems that we came to that time, would you like to make an appointment for you both for Friday?”_

_“Yes,” he said really fast as his nerves got the best of him.  “I’m sorry; I just can’t believe that this is happening.”_

_“I understand, just don’t worry too much everything is going to be fine,” the woman told him with a smile on her face and he smiled as well._

_“Thank you.”_

* * *

_Ten minutes after Ivar was entering his home with a smile on his face and news to share with you, but he couldn’t find you. He walked into the kitchen, living room everywhere._

_“Y/N! Y/N, love, where are you!” he called out worried as he walked with help of his crutch and cursing as he wasn’t fast enough to find you. He was getting worried that something happened to you and then he saw it an envelope with a pink sticky note on it and two rings shining on it._

_“No, no,” he was already breaking down as he recognized your handwriting. He was crying as he read the words, he cried as he was betrayed by the one he loved, he was breaking down. And for hours he stared at the small paper reading it over and over again, but the words didn’t change. The words stared at him, they mocked him._

_‘Ivar, I need you to know that I love you but somebody new entered my life and I had to choose them’_

_There wasn’t even your name written there as the paper was too small to fit it._

_______________________________________________________________  
_

Days to Ivar seemed longer than before; since you left there was something prolonging days just to make him suffer more. However, not even nights were better as the reminder was a cold bed and framed pictures with your face on it.

It has been six years and he hasn’t changed anything, he couldn’t so the most of his time he spent in his house office working himself more than healthy. He would forget to eat sometimes or to drink so his mother took it on herself to make sure that he was alright. But he wasn’t alright he was sad and depressed and sometimes he wouldn’t even take painkillers for his legs as he assured himself that he deserved pain. He assured himself that he deserved to suffer as for years you were always there and always understanding and he couldn’t do one thing you wanted because he didn’t want to see you in pain or to hate him if the child inherits his condition.

“I’m fine mom,” Ivar said to his mother knowing that he couldn’t let yet another call to go to the voicemail. His voice didn’t sound anything like him, it was a bit weaker and quiet; lifeless could be best to describe it the same as him as well.

“Don’t lie to me Ivar,” his mother’s voice echoed through the room although his phone was on the lowest.

“Why do you ask then if you know how I really feel?” he questioned as his hand was the only thing holding his head from hitting the table.

“Have you eaten today?”

“An apple,” he answered already knowing how she will react so he let his head fall to the table with his phone still against his ear.

“Ivar, it’s almost midnight,” she exclaimed.

“I had a late start,” he responded not bothering to lift his head.

“Really, was this time four in the morning instead of three?” she questioned getting tired of how he lived his life. The only thing he did was working and it had no sense to keep going like that.

“Mom, I’m not hungry,” he murmured as if that could shut her up.

“One day I don’t come to see you and you don’t eat.”

“I am not a child,” he responded lifting his head and moving his body further in the office chair.

“You are acting like one,” she noted with her voice getting even louder and higher.

“I’m just…”

“Sad? I know that you are hurting, you should have moved back with us,” she said that again for the thousand times in these past years and he would always say no, he was always alone.

“I can’t, you know that I can’t leave the house empty if she comes back,” he told her as if she wasn’t aware of that.

“Ivar, she won’t come back she left six years ago, she is not a cat that wandered off, do you understand me?”

“She will come back,” he said but this time firmer.

“When, in ten years, in fifty to your funeral with her new fa-”

Ivar ended the conversation as he couldn’t hear those words. He couldn’t hear anyone saying that you, in fact, had a new family so he took a framed picture from his table. The silver frame was cold against his fingers and he stared at the photo of you and him smiling brightly. Aslaug was the one who took the picture without even one of you knowing. It was soon after you started dating, actually after you admitted that you were in love with each other after years of friendship. He was sitting on the sofa and you on its armrest playing with his long hair. You were putting strands of his hair above your upper lip making it seem as you had a mustache and you both were laughing.

“Please, come home, I can’t fill the emptiness you left in the house and in my chest. It hurts so much…” he whispered as the tears fell down his face. He could feel saltiness on his lips and he couldn’t do anything about it. “You said that you will never leave that you will never hurt me, but I am hurting, why am I hurting, love? Six years and it seems like seconds ago,” he questioned standing up. He didn’t use his crutches he walked next to walls for the support while in one hand he was gripping the picture against his chest. He was tired physically and emotionally, he was just tired of waiting, but he didn’t want to do anything else, he had to wait.

He stopped next to his nightstand before placing the frame down. The frame was settled next to the divorce papers which he never read, but opened the envelope in hopes that it was something else. On the papers was the sticky note which was full of creases as it was folded or crumbled in anger while the ink was staining the paper where it came in contact with his tears.

“I tried to give you everything, maybe I’m just not enough, maybe I never was,” he said silently as he looked at the photo, it was really hard for him especially today as it was the exact date of the day you left, six full years.

“Good night, love,” he said after laying down on his side. He was turned towards your side with his palm placed on the cold sheets where your body should be and the other hand was underneath his pillow. “I hope to see you soon,” he whispered the same as he did for the past six years, still hoping, still not believing that you would break your promise.


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

_This wasn’t the life you thought you will have; it wasn’t bad, but it was strange. The life itself from the outside looked almost but normal, however to you it was so much different from where you used to see yourself when older. You never thought that you will be away from Ivar and pregnant and although not completely alone you felt lonely. You had a new life growing inside you but you never in your life felt lonelier._

_Ivar was your constant and was always there and he had been for such a long time that being away from him physically hurt. He used to be a reason for so many happy moments and now he was the reason for you breaking down. In three months that you had been gone, you found yourself on the ground screaming in a pillow and crying in the darkness of an empty apartment a few towns from where you used to leave. You left so much behind along with your own heart, but you had to keep going for your baby, the only little joy which was left in your life. Your baby was at the moment the only source of comfort as you were trying to keep yourself from falling into deeper depression when you have left everything you knew and everyone you loved behind._

* * *

 

_“There are three,” a soft voice was heard from behind the counter._  
“What?” you turned around to the younger girls as just a moment ago you got lost in your thoughts which happened a lot to you recently.  
“Catcher in the rice, there are three books left,” the girl said again gesturing towards the paper in your hand.  
You were both checking the books in the books store and although you had done it together many times before you still felt as if you weren’t in your own body, still not used to being here.   
“Oh, alright,” you said with a smile before placing the paper on the counter to write down the number and while you were doing that the girl’s eyes were on you.   
“Are you alright?” she questioned.  
You were well aware that she wasn’t just looking for a gossip; Ellie was a genuinely nice girl just a few years younger than you. Ellie was happy to hire you as she needed help as her grandpa was getting older and she had more things to do. However, she was also somehow naïve and people would use her that was why her grandfather after her parent's death was still so much active in her life.  
“Not really,” you whispered and a moment later Ellie stepped next to you placing her hand on your shoulder.   
“Are you scared because of the baby? I heard that many women experience depression even before giving birth.”  
“He is not the source of it,” you quickly responded as he was the only thing keeping your head above the water as used to Ivar was.  
“Is it his father, the one you left?” Ellie asked cautiously not wanting to prey. She was worried for you even more than for anyone she ever met as you were actually nice to her without needing anything in return. She could say that you were the first real friend she had and seeing you so down was making her sad.  
“It’s not really like that.”  
“Was he abusive?” she blurted out before stopping herself. She knew abuse in her life not directly, but her father wasn’t the kindest man especially towards her mother.   
“What?” you whispered as your eyes grew wide at her question.   
“Did he hurt you, is that why you left?”  
“I…”  
“Look, you don’t have to tell me, we know each other only for a few months but I want you to know that if you ever needed anyone to talk to I’m here,” she assured you.  
“He…he wasn’t abusive…” you finally managed to say as you needed to confide in someone. Mostly you didn’t want for her to think that your husband, actually your ex-husband was that kind of a man.   
“You don’t have to tell me if you are not comfortable to do so,” Ellie said feeling guilty as she had heard her mother saying that to her many times when she was a child and her mother would tell her that what happens in marriage is only between the husband and his wife.   
“My husband, he…he is sick,” you admitted.  
“Oh, but why would y-”  
“It’s a genetic disorder,” you interrupted her before explaining further. “He didn’t want for the baby to get it.”  
“I don’t understand, you can’t really change what happened,” she stated confused.  
“You can actually, with an abortion,” your eyes went to the ground as you spoke those words and your hand instinctively moved to your bump.   
“I’m so sorry.”  
“It’s alright; he wouldn’t want him so I left,” you said shrugging as if it meant nothing, but it still hurt so much.   
“If it means anything to you, my grandpa and I will be here for you.”  
“Thank you,” you said as your eyes welled up. You moved closer to her pulling her into a hug as from now she was your family.

_______________________________________________________   
_

_“I can’t…I can’t!” you screamed in the back seat of the car with your head in Ellie’s lap. You woke up just moments ago by pain in your lower abdomen as well as blood soaking into your sheets._  
“Everything will be alright,” Ellie tried to comfort you as your body was curling from the pain. It was too early for the baby, a few weeks early.   
“It hurts, please make it stop,” you cried as the sharp pain went through your body. You were terrified and you didn’t know what will happen. You knew that there was a possibility of you dying and although it scared you, you were scared that your baby will die.  
“What should I do?” Ellie questioned her grandpa who was driving while she was, just as you, crying.    
“Keep her awake!”  
“I can’t, I need him, I need him, please,” you murmured as your body shook. You wanted to be somewhere else with the person you left; you needed him to calm you, to tell you that you and your son will both be alright.   
“What? Hey, stay awake, Y/N, stay aw-”  
“Ivar, Ivar, please…” you kept crying as your fingers were gripping onto your shirt, actually Ivar’s shirt as when you left you took with you some of his clothes in which you would sleep. You wore it so much that the material loosened up fitting your belly inside.       
“Calm down, it will be alright,” Ellie was saying, with her fingers moving through your damp hair.   
“It hurts!”  
“Y/N,” Ellie said as your eyes were starting to close.    
“I need him,” you murmured with your body rocking.  
“Hey, stay awake, please.”  
“I need him…” you repeated as your eyes grew heavier.  
“Don’t close your eyes…”  
“Ivar…” it was the last thing you said before you closed your eyes hoping to see his face when or if you wake up.   


_____________________________________________________  
_

“Ian, don’t go far!” you yelled at the young boy as the snowflakes were falling around you.   
The snow came as an early surprise and the boys were both happy, but after playing in the snow for a while Jamie’s legs were starting to ache. He was a brave little boy; however, just as his father, he was stubborn. Although you would sometimes warn him not to overdo it, he would always say that he was fine.   
You were walking home from the park and Ian kept running around and falling into the snow which reached just under his knees. He was excited and filled with so much energy that you start suspecting that he is eating pure sugar or a lot of candies while you don’t watch him.   
You would have run after him as he moved further away but you were caring Jamie so you could only hurry after him.  
“Ian, come back,” you warned as the boy stopped in his step.  
“I want to play,” he said with his voice going higher than usual, just the way it does when he wants something.   
“Love, you have both been playing for a long time. Yours and your brother clothes are completely wet and if we don’t hurry home to warm you up you will get sick,” you said to him and he rushed over aware at how quickly Jamie could get sick.  
“Come on,” Ian said while grabbing your hand and pulling you towards your apartment building.   
You could only smile at the boy and hurry behind him as you never seen someone like either of your boys. They were inseparable and as most kids are selfish especially with their toys they were always playing together.

Just a few minutes after you were opening the doors to your home and the first thing you did was to make them a warm bath.  
Both of them were sitting in the almost half filled bath with bubbles all around them and toys slowly moving with every disturbance of water.   
“I want one too,” Ian said as he stared at his brother’s new hairstyle which was just a mess of brown strand pulled up giving him a punk look.   
“Oh, but you can’t have one,” you teased him as you were kneeling next to the tub.   
You teasing Ian made Jamie laugh especially as you both were making faces at each other.   
“You are silly,” Jamie stated as he giggled. His crystal blue eyes moved from you to his brother and Ian had almost but perfect respond to it. Ian moved his fingers under the water spraying Jamie making him do the same.  
Their little water fight left your clothes soaked through and just as you finished drying them and dressing them you enveloped each boy in a warm blanket as if they were small packages.  
“This is your little punishment for what you did to me and the bathroom,” you said as you placed them still rolled up on another blanket on the floor just beside the couch.    
“Were we bad?” Jamie questioned with a sad expression on his face as he had fun and to him, it seemed as you all did.   
“Sweetie, it’s not that you were bad, you, actually all three of us made a mess. So we all have to take responsibility for it and as you two are still so little, you get a time out while mummy goes to take a shower and clean the bathroom. Is that alright?”  
“Yes,” Jamie said with a shy smile on his face before you gave each boy a kiss to the forehead.  
“Is it too tight?” You questioned them as you moved corners of the blankets leaning them a choice to pull their hands out, but you figured as usual that they won’t as they loved when you tucked them in a blanket; it was warm and made them feel safe.

____________________________________________

“Mummy, phone!!”  
You heard shouts while you were still cleaning the bathroom. You also heard the phone but you let it ring as you had time to call back whoever was, but the boys were calm at the moment and you had to finish. The doors were opened to the bathroom so that you can keep them in check and the second you stepped out Ian was cheering you on to go to the phone.  
“Why are you so excited?” you asked looking at the boy as you reached for your phone. You kept looking at them as you answered the phone. “Hey, shhhh,” you said although you have already answered. “I’m sorry, is anyone there?” you questioned as nobody said anything since you answered but before you could say anything else somebody on the other side spoke.   
The breath got caught in your throat as the voice from the past called out your name. The grip on your phone loosened and your phone fell to the ground but soon enough you followed as your knees gave in. 

You were still shocked but you managed to take the phone in your shaking hands and to end the call.  
“Why are you crying?” Ian questioned and you were quick to wipe away your tears.   
“Nothing, don’t worry,” you said forcing a smile on your face as you moved on the floor to the boys. “You two done with the time out?”  
“No,” they both said in the same time so you laid down next to them making up stories to make them laugh while trying to forget the voice you had been trying to keep from your mine for years.


	6. Chapter 6

_Life is a strange thing, it can be fun and it can be cruel. In one moment you can be filled with joy, just dreaming about when you will be able to do something for the one you love with your whole heart. And then in another moment, you find yourself on the ground crying, helpless as your heart is shattered in millions of pieces as you stare at what will become the memories of your past._

_Now, all that was left were photographs and stories engraved in his mind. Where excitement, no, wonder in how will you react used to be, now there was nothing left except a broken man and a shattered dream._

_He barely functioned after you left, he didn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep he could only stare at the wall not able to get up, not able to even try to process what happened however with time and the support of his mother he at least was able to take care of himself again. However he wasn’t able to think, he wasn’t able to realize that there was no longer future with you, if you were to come back he would’ve welcomed you with opened hands but days were passing by and there was no trace of you._

_______________________________________________________________

“Ivar, you are not listening again!” Aslaug scolded her son but there was no reaction from him.

His eyes kept wandering around from one smiling face to the other only feeling his heart clenching in his chest. He didn’t hate seeing his family happy, he hated that it reminded him even more how truly miserable he was. Everyone being around the table without you by his side was a punishment for him while everybody was happy with their significant other.

However what he especially hated was looking at his right at family dinners, at actually every occasion he was forced to go as once upon a time you stood by him. You stood on his right as at the end of the day he had more trust in you than in his right hand. He knew that if he was ever to fall his right hand although his primary would be useless but you wouldn’t. Many times your fast reflexes would save him from bruised knees, from broken bones. However he had to think if maybe that was one of the reasons you left, he has asked himself many times what was the true reason that you turned around and just left; thrown years of trust and love in the trash. He knew you, so he was aware that his illness would never be the reason but maybe the way he was dealing with it was.

So, now as he barely glanced to his right he wasn’t met with you but his older brother. He wasn’t looking at your face with you smiling back at him as if you always knew when he was watching you. And instead of feeling your hand laid gently on his knee he could feel his brother’s leg bumping into his. It caused him discomfort however he chose to ignore it as he welcomed the pain, more often than not, it was his punishment as well as your absence was.

It was a sad life he has chosen to live after his heart was shattered.

“Ivar! It would be polite of you if you would answer your brother’s question,” Aslaug scolded him yet again, however with her voice still too soft for Ragnar’s liking.

Before Ivar could even open his eyes, his father spoke.

“Don’t baby him, Aslaug. He is a grown man who keeps acting as a child,” Ragnar said and Ivar’s siblings started protesting especially Ubbe.

“Father, everyone grieves in their way. It doesn’t make him a child.”

“He let a woman destroy his whole life,” Ragnar turned towards the left where Ivar was sitting just beside the head of the table where Aslaug was.

“Your wife left you years ago. Accept it and move on,” he ordered before murmuring under his breath. “Just as she did.”

“What?” Ivar question not caring about his father’s wishes but at one single important thing that became known with it.

“Ragnar!” Aslaug warned him.

Ivar looked from his mother to his father.

“Son, your wife is doing well if you were wondering,” Ragnar spoke ignoring Aslaug’s protests. “She is whoring around an-“

“That is enough!” Halfdan cut him off before standing up. He only looked at the table for a moment, at Ivar’s siblings and their significant others before turning to Ivar. “Come with me.”

Ivar didn’t need to be told twice as he could read his friend very well and some secrets were finally ready to be released.

 ____________________________________________________________

The moment they sat down in the living room Ivar spoke.

“So, you didn’t just write the divorce papers? All this time you stayed silent, why? Didn’t you want us to be together and happy?”

“Ivar, I only did what a friend asked from me. I made a promise to her and no matter how much it hurt, how much it still hurts, I couldn’t break a promise, but I guess now is the time to do so,” Halfdan took a deep breath before continuing.  “I tried to change her mind. I wanted you both to grow old together, I love you both so much and it broke me when she came to me.” Halfdan stopped for a moment as he wasn’t sure in what should be spoken and what should be kept in dark for a while longer. However, Ivar was the first to break the newly settled silence.

“Have you met him?” the words were hard for him to say especially as it was the first time his thoughts, his wonderings were spoken out loud as usually he would spend hours thinking of a person who took his place.

“You…” Halfdan’s eyes went wide as he stared at his friend. “You know about him?”

“She left because of him,” Ivar stated not aware that he was thinking of a lie while Haldan had Ivar’s son in mind.

“I….Only once,” he licked his lips before continuing. “You would’ve liked him, it’s a pi-”

“Don’t…I was wrong. I don’t want to know.” Ivar said suddenly tapping his fingers against his thigh trying to stay calm.

“She still loves you,” Halfdan admitted although those feelings weren’t his to share.

Ivar laughed dryly at the confession. “Don’t lie to me again!” he warned through his teeth.

“I talk to her every week and whenever I say your name she ends the call.”

“So she hates me, I know that it’s obvious as she is no longer by my side.” Ivar lowered his head closing his eyes for a moment as no matter how much he wished to have you back or to hate you for leaving, your happiness was always his priority.  “Is she happy?” he asked with his voice almost like a whisper. And although with his whole heart he craved for you to be happy, he couldn’t stop one part of himself which hoped for a negative answer, as he thought that you would be happy together and not torn apart and stranded as he was. It wasn’t cruel from his side, he didn’t wish you pain and suffering, but he wondered if you ever felt the way he does. He wonders if you were ever truly happy with him as it seemed that you found something more valuable in somebody else.

It is not as difficult if somebody chooses somebody else at the beginning of the relationship, at the time when so much is still unknown. Then it doesn’t hurt a lot as the other person never got to see who they truly were, however, it would hurt him as much as it hurts now as the friendship you have built was one in a billion, it was unbreakable at least it was, from his side it still is.

“I am not going to lie to you again.”

Ivar’s face completely fell at Halfdan’s words. However, he couldn’t be resentful towards the woman he loved, who he still loves.

“I am glad that she has someone who makes her happy the way I never could.”

“Ivar, you need closure,” Halfdan said before he took his phone out and handed it to Ivar with your contact already opened.

“She will stop speaking to you,” Ivar said softly as he stared at the opportunity he never was offered before.

“I betrayed you both when I helped her.” Halfdan stood up. “I’ll deal with the consequences.”

Ivar stared at the phone for a while not sure if he should disturb you, not sure if you would even be at least a bit happy to hear his voice. Nevertheless, he was more than sure it would make his heart warm to hear your voice again in real-time, not on old videos or voicemails. So, at the end of the day, the choice was simple.

His palms started sweating and his fingers shaking as the phone rang and just before you answered he was ready to hang up as it was too much, but when he heard your voice, the air got caught in his throat. With a shaky voice and heavy breathing, he was able to say your name and for the first time, it didn’t sound foreign to him as you were finally at the receiving end and not an echo of an empty house.


End file.
